Mr. AMAI recaps Survivor: April 26 episode

Mr. AMAI recaps Survivor (as dictated to AMAI.)

Opening Recrap.
Okay. This is the part where I wish I had a gun. Not a large caliber, mind you, just a .22. Something so when I take the shot it just rattles around and scrambles the brains rather than going straight through, which would mean there wouldn't be hope for life. Or I wish I was at least in Iraq or could die a normal death but I'm stuck here to watch this fucking show.

Hahaha. I'm kidding. I'M KIDDING!!

The recrap shows us Stacy showing Alex her hot and agitated emotional state. And then he ran away. What? That's a go sign. A woman tells you she's hot and agitated, with open legs and a slim bikini and her head tilted slightly back while she talks to you with open mouth and you go and talk to your friend about what she could possibly mean by her actions? Your friend tells you she's working for the other side. Who's fooling whom? You moron.

AMAI: "Gay, you mean. Not a moron; gay."
Mr. AMAI: "I didn't say that! I've been trying to get into films for years, but I've never been able to get one in the can yet, maybe that's why I'm not in films."
AMAI: "What? I don't get it."
Mr. AMAI: "I'm sure he does. Shut up, I'm recapping."

Yawn. Oh, what's this? The show's opening. That's not a bad beat; that's a catchy beat, it's Survivor. I thought it was another Presidential address. I put the .22 down on the coffee table.


Night of Horrors and Nightsweats and probably Wet Dreamz of Alex and Mookie's Because They Do Not Know How to Satisfy A Woman ('Stacy')

These guys are still trying to figure out that they're not screwed.

Stacy: "They'll be lucky if they get fed."
She shoots a sharp scary stare at them.

Mr. AMAI: "I've woken up to that look and that was only on my first date with Julie."
AMAI: "First date with Julie? Who's Julie and how old were you?"
Mr. AMAI: "I don't know. 15? She was from Viet Nam, and that's when I realized she was only out to get back what the white man took from her. I know that look. I asked her, she said she was mad at me. She told me if I had slept one minute longer, she'd have slit my fucking throat. That's why I always wake up before the woman I'm sleeping beside wakes up."
AMAI: "I don't know about putting that in the recap."
Mr. AMAI: "What? It happened."
AMAI: "But what's it got to do with … oh yeah, we were talking about Stacy's look."
Mr. AMAI: "Sorry about the flashback to my teens."

Back to the recap. Dreamz & Alex & Mookie are talking and the music is so fucking loud, you're not quite sure what happened but you know it's supposed to be emotional. It's Dreamz doing his street jive, music way up high, and they think we won't understand it. Who made who, who screwed who at the last tribal council.

No time to discuss it – onto the challenge. Jeff tells us that the first immunity idol that was presented at the last Tribal Council has been re-hidden. Oh, I did not know this. Hmm.

The reward challenge starts and Earl gets grabbed from behind at the throat by Cassandra. He whines to Jeff that there was an illegal move. Jeff says, "You can decide how much or little fucking force you can use on each other" as he reads out the Riot Act. After that, the players don't even communicate to each other any discipline of force they will use with each other. And the game continues on that basis. Someone should have said 'let's not hurt ourselves or each other. Jeff said we can make the rules as we like.' But no. Then Boo gets injured – his knee pops out. Which he did to himself, but still. Watch this guy heal himself. Watch, he just pops it back in, stands up, shakes himself off and walks away.

During the competition, without explanation from Jeff, we discover that part of the game is that they have to hang onto the poles until the ball is fired by anyone. I really respect these players because once they realized the rules, they didn't harm each other. I have to commend them on that point.

So, who won? Stacy, Alex, Mookie and Earl, in no particular order.

Jeff announces that they must now decide who goes to *hushed voice* Exile Island. Earl says he wanted to get rid of Redneck Boo and send him to Exile Island because he had done nothing but live the life of luxury since he got here. This will be probably be a tragic mistake by Earl if it comes back to haunt him when they get down to the final 2 or 3.

AMAI: "How will it haunt him at that point?"
Mr AMAI: "Oh, you'll see. I imagine when there are three of them left someone will use this against Earl. I hope it's not Boo."

Okay, we hear from the Redneck Trucker on Exile Island. He's dehydrated, his knee hurts, he's hungry, he's tired. We're shown visions of skulls sunken in the beach sands and all the time Boo is constantly whining and complaining. Which is fascinating to me because if he was at home he would probably be drinking his own urine, eating his feces, with the same ailments that he has now while trying to mate with his first cousin, but with no chance to win a million dollars. STFU Boo. End of scene. Fadeout.

We immediately flip to the plane, where the four reward winners are covered in muck. We hope the pilot has a hose to rinse out the back seat of that plane. We're told by a lovely greeter that there are two showers, one inside and one outside and baths available to you, the winners of this challenge. Big yawn and I'm bored because nobody is getting drunk at this reward…

AMAI: "You're bored because Stacy is flat-chested."
Mr. AMAI: "No, she's not. Her nipples point up. Straight up. Just like the men on The Bounty dreamed of island girls having."
AMAI: "So you did notice Stacy's chest."
Mr. AMAI: "No comment. I'm amazed that these people didn't offer to do their friends' laundry. 'Hey, gimme your shorts, Yau-Man and your shirt, Cassandra.'

This is the outcome of the producers in the way they made the random teams of the reward challenge. And those guys still don't understand the subtleties of this game.

AMAI: "What are you talking about?"
Mr. AMAI: "Shut up, I'm recapping."

These random teams. We weren't shown how they picked them. Did you see? I didn't see, and I watched the show twice.

Now we're back from reward.

AMAI: "Oh those are nice pineapples Stacy and Cassandra are eating! Hey! They're spying on the guys?"
Mr. AMAI: "You didn't realize that? You dummy!"
AMAI: "And they get found out! I totally missed that the first time."
Mr. AMAI: "The guys run away again! Same thing as on the beach, 'I'm all hot and bothered' and Alex ran away. This time Stacy & Cassandra are in the bushes all hot and bothered. Are the plotters not men? Once again they don't act when the women are in distress."
AMAI: "The women were in distress?"
Mr. AMAI: "Yes! Come on: crouching, hiding, cowering in the bushes! Is that not distress? Are the men not plotters? I guess not. They ran away again."
AMAI: "Maybe they ran because they're plotters."
Mr. AMAI: "I need another drink."

Stacy wins immunity! I'm happy. I like the scary woman. If I fall asleep and I'm not happy with her or she's not happy with me, the stock market won't go over 14,000. You don't have to know what that means; I know what that means. Peasants, vote Republican.

So, Dreamz tells Alex to vote for Mookie. Remember past actions, for they foretell the future. Then he goes and votes for his friend, rather than dealing with a tie and random chance. Forget about hard work and perseverance. Forget about not sleeping for weeks. Just keep working. Sorry, more flashbacks.

(Time passes.)

Oh, sorry. I got up and ran to the washroom while they were voting. Before I started to pee, I flushed the toilet. I never realized before that our toilet can form a perfect bubble and suck down that perfect bubble intact without breaking it. Oh, who's gone? Mookie. Mookie's gone. In no particular order and just like a perfect bubble.

Precrap for Next Time:
It looks like Jack O'Neil will come back for a cameo with Daniel Jackson but not with Samantha Carter. Oops, I changed the channel and that's next time on Stargate SG1. If I actually saw what was going to happen next time on Survivor, I'd be able to tell you that the tribe has spoken and this person is gone next. But unfortunately I was taking a wee-wee. It's not going to happen. Oops, I've changed the channel again. I missed it. I went to turn up the volume and hit the channel change button by mistake. I WILL BE UNSPOILED!

AMAI: "Finish the recap."
Mr. AMAI: "grumble grumble, okay."

Mookie's final words seem to be that he wanted to do something that he never did in the entire game: stir things up, make life hell and other things that never happened. He says he knows the grass is green on the other side, not realizing that it's greener and that is why he lost the game. It looks like he prematurely shot his wad and now he has a mess on his hands. That is why he must suffer in the 4 star resort they probably have waiting for him in Losers' Lounge alone with his thoughts of Stacy. Or Cassandra. Yeah, the big woman and the footage he'll never get in his can.

The Losers. Let's look at that for a minute. Big L, small losers. Cuz that's where Mookie put himself. Without a proper epilogue of what happened, this bit at the end was supposed to be his epilogue, unless I'm mistaken. He doesn't even confirm or deny that it was his partner Alex who denied him the proper 50-50 split vote. That's why he doesn't know the grass is greener over the fence. He thinks it's only green. I put $50,000 on him and he lost and that's why I must hunt him down and confront him with his Big L, little oozer status. Oozing into his own hands. May he burn in hell, the fool idiot, for all eternity, world without end. Amen.

What's on at 12 midnight?

SirLinksALot Survivor Fiji has more articles and recaps for this season but none as weird as this one, I bet!