AI6 'Next Week is Bon Jovi Week'

Meanwhile, this week "Six Inspire … Despair, Despondency, Apathy"

But first, a quick word about the recaps being here. EZboard had a glitch this week and lost all the other recaps. They found them, then lost them again. So I said the hell with it and decided to use this Blogger site for the recaps.

Ryan Seaquest is very earnest tonight. Earnest… and sporting major stubble. Step One of Idol Gives Back clearly involved handing over all implements of shaving.

Mr AMAI: "Mushmouth is back." He flips the channel back to "Radio on TV" and Le Freak is playing. Now that I know what lies ahead, I wish I had continued "watching" the radio. I can't even rank the Kids using my normal method, they sucked that much.

This season suddenly feels so lead-footed, boring, dull, and pointless. I've had trepidations before (particularly for Barry Manilow Week) and been pleasantly surprised. But this time my fears weren't even enough to prepare me for the suckitude.

To make matters worse, this week each segment of dirge singing is punctuated with a dirge segment about the terrible horrible dirge fates that have befallen selected less fortunate people of the world. Every vote recorded for the Kids will result in money being contributed to help these people. Supposedly Idol Gives Back, but do they? Or just not taking so much this week?

Fries With That Richardson wears a suit and tie and a pretty white shirt. That is the nicest thing I have ever had or likely will ever have to say about Chris.


His song of inspiration is If I Could Change The World by Eric Clapton. At first I don't even recognize his voice.

Mr AMAI: "This is a good song, eh."
AMAI: "The first couple of lines sound nice. Maybe …. Eww ouch. No, I guess he isn't able to keep that up."
Mr AMAI: "Ignore him. Just listen to the words. Lovely poetic song, nothing the matter with the words."
AMAI: "Can't say the same about him. Is he operated by a puppeteer? Why is he jerking around?"
Tampa: "Chris does absolutely nothing for me."
AMAI: "He does less than nothing for me."
Tampa: "LOL. He tries to dress like Justin Timberlake."
AMAI: "He so wishes he were Justin Timberlake. That guy has oodles of talent compared to Fries Boy here."
Mr. AMAI: "The words are nice, it's the way it's being sung. I'm crying because it's that horrible."

Randy: "Dawg, that was awesome! You in it to win it."
Paula: "Great song journey. Your best ever! Real exciting!!"
Simon: *more tongue bathing…*

Mr. AMAI: "This guy sucks, man. If they're saying it's good, that's how much the music industry sucks."
AMAI: "Simon has his landing hair again."
Mr AMAI: "No man should have to sit there on his couch waiting for music, only to be asked if he wants any fries with that."

After a break, we watch footage of Appalachia and Louisiana. The need is dire. Idol needs to Give Back to people who have nothing after voting in vain for Sanjaya.

Melinda. Her song is There Will Come A Day by Faith Hill. She's wearing a strange dress. Oh, great, this week they each have two phone lines per kid. Will these performances induce people to call even one line?


AMAI: "These inspirational songs are such downers. Now I'm thoroughly depressed. Any comments honey?"
Mr. AMAI: "Shh, Chicklet is still singing."

Randy's compliments are unintelligible to the uninitiated: "You so dope, all together, you have arrived. YOU ARE HERE!"
Paula is worse.
Simon loves that it wasn't a copycat performance: "You made me believe you'd recorded it originally. Vocal master class."

Sigh. The problem is she's good but she's dull.

Bleat Box Blake has a sit-down with Ryan who wants to know what is the biggest sacrifice Blake is making to be here. Blake predictably says he's missing family and friends. He's doing the business to John Lennon's Imagine.


Mr. AMAI: "This jackass."
AMAI: "You say that every week."
Mr. AMAI: "Look at his Captain Kirk sideburns."
AMAI: "Really?"
Mr. AMAI: "This really stinks. I'm thinking of going for a walk. This guy when I look into his eyes? Nobody's home."
AMAI: "What about when you look into his mouth? Does he have a pretty mouth?"
Mr. AMAI: "Actually no, he doesn't. He's like a dead body that you just want to poke with a stick to see if anything is coming out."
AMAI: "He fancies himself a sex symbol."
Mr. AMAI: "Of course he does. Someone told him he was. On his own he wouldn't think that."
Tampa: "He does have a bit of a gay voice. A little lisp. Just a little one."

Randy keeps it real: "That was just okay for me."
AMAI: "Oh my gawd, is the sky green?"
Paula claims she enjoyed it because it was Blake. Then she goes berserk: "That was the most emotionally sensitive performance from you all season long."
Simon kind of knows where Paula is coming from, which is about the best anyone can do. Nobody, not even Paula herself, knows exactly where she is coming from. However, he also complains that the performance was a little bit flat throughout. And yet: "What I like is you sang it with such sincerity."

AMAI: "ROFL. Yeah, Blake, you're dead but you do it so well."
Mr. AMAI: "Simon is like the mortician talking to the corpse."
Tampa: "Blake is in touch with his feminine side."
AMAI: "How much more in touch with his feminine side can Blake get?"
Tampa: "He frosts his hair."
Mr. AMAI: "You're supposed to bleed a song like that."

I guess it didn't suck as much as other stuff of his has sucked. But on a scale of 1 to Suck, it still sucked.

After a break, Ryan is in a feeding station somewhere. He is saying there should be more feeding stations like the one he's in. Really? How about an end to the wars that make such feeding stations a necessary reality? How about addressing the root of the problem, instead of dabbing at the symptoms with a Q-Tip, you twit. This kind of show doesn't arouse my compassionate side. I'm fed up with the whole sordid mess.

Lakisha takes on another Sacred Song by another Sacred Cow. The song is I Believe, that piece of tripe Fantasia and that other girl had to sing during the finals of season 3.


Fantasia did a good job but it was still a piece of crap song. What the hell is up with these song choices? This is totally horrible and uninspiring. Then again, maybe this whole gig is uninspiring because it feels forced and also like it's taking a liberty. Every damn day that I work, I'm paying taxes, some of which goes towards "those less fortunate." We're not even given a chance to decide how to spend our money – it's decided for us and I'm sick of it. And that is part of why I'm sick of self-aggrandizing fools like these idiots on American Idol acting like they're above everyone for doing this. Or like any of this activity "raising money" is going to change anything on a fundamental level. It won't. It's been done, hundreds and hundreds of times before. Nothing changes because the recipients have no reason to change. Someone else will come along and feel sorry for them and "provide." So why should they bother to change and learn how to fend for themselves instead of being leeches?

Lakisha's shouting wakes me from reverie.

AMAI: "That was so loud I got chills. Oh, wait. The fan is blowing on me."

Randy, same as always: "Great song choice, pitch problems, not your best but I did like it."
Paula stammers and stutters for five minutes: "No doubt you are a powerhouse of a vocalist but, but, but." She says she doesn't want to take anything away from that, except she totally does by somehow suggesting that "nobody" can do this wretched song except Fantasia.
Simon kind of thinks he sort of knows what Paula trying to struggle to fight back tears so she could hiccup at us. He thanks Paula for summing up so briefly and interprets Paula to prefer the Fantasia version. He has issues with Lakisha's shouting. The audience boos and he tells them to shut up.

Mr. AMAI: "Oh, he kissed her!"
AMAI: "Who kissed whom?"
Mr AMAI: "Under the sea guy, the fish kissed LaKisha."
Tampa: "I don't know how people are going to vote."
AMAI: "Ryan will explain in excruciating detail later."

Phil gets a Phantom Viewer Question, "What do you miss most about home," in case anyone anywhere didn't hear already about his wife and kids. Did Phil give his kids the same name? I heard him say his two babies Kayla and Micayla. Blah blah he's only doing this to make a better life for them.

His song is The Change by Garth Brooks. He urges everyone to "take advantage of this amazing opportunity and get involved." He sounds like a slick salesman trying to sell everyone something they don't want.


AMAI: "He looks like a Young Fester."
Mr. AMAI: "Young Uncle Fester. So he'd be like a Nephew Fester. Or a festering boil on my backside. I'm bleeding out my eyes. I need to go outside for a while. Going to buy chips.

Randy calls it another strong performance of a very great song. Paula goes overboard, "Fantastic! Your best!!!"
Mr. AMAI: I like how Paula held the microphone."
AMAI: "Yeah like she was holding a tiny cock.
Mr. AMAI: "I didn't say that!"
Simon: "I really like you. After a good week last week, you've got a spring in your step. The country tone suits your voice more. If you could connect the two elements, you could do well."
Mr. AMAI: "Is that his wife? Is that Mrs Festering Boil?"
AMAI: "Well she kept her maiden name, Ms Oozing Pustule."

Before Jordin there's a segment with Simon meeting people who work at a food bank. He had no idea there were people who were starving in America. For $1 all of that – a ton of food – basically what you USED to be able to get before the government got involved in our lives and jacked the price of everything out of everyone's price range. Every time I buy something, the cost of all the taxes levied on manufacturers and retailers are being added into the cost of everything I buy, from milk to new furniture. The cost of everything is inflated beyond belief, and Simon is going to point to a table of basic foodstuffs and marvel over the fact that it can be obtained for $1.00 because it's for somebody in Africa? Like it's a miracle instead of the way it ought to be here in America all the time if we didn't have all these taxes constantly forcing us to pay sight unseen for stuff. Doesn't matter whether it's for ourselves like roads and schools or emergency care for somebody half way round the world. The means by which the funds are obtained is by force on us, like we wouldn't do it if we weren't being forced to.

Jordin plans to sing You'll Never Walk Alone. She hopes the message of the song is comforting to people. It would be more comforting if we were about to watch Tottenham Hotspurs thump Manchester United in the F.A. Cup.

AMAI: "Ooooh, I know this song. You'll NEEEEVER wa-aaaaalk ALONE. Hmmm. It isn't the same without 50,000 crazed soccer fans screaming along. I don't recognize Jordin's version."

She's chosen a nice taupe gown but it is cut oddly. Her hair is curly and she looks lovely.


Alas, the song is boring. Jordin can't save the whole night from sucking.

RandyBot: "Best vocal by any contestant on this show ever!! You're 17 years old!!! HOT!!!!!!!"
Paula: "Amazing song. Lovely job. Glorious." (Paula is so jealous.)
Simon: "You were fantastic I thought, unlike Randy. You could have a hit record with that."

AMAI: "Guess who was inspired to not only go out and get potato chips, but while he was out he picked up a free exercise bike from the neighbors who are moving?!!! Yay!"
Mr. AMAI: "You like the bike? We just saved $1000 from buying new bikes."
AMAI: "Yay! Money saved on bikes means more money to spend on necessities like cigarettes and booze."

Review of the Night
AMAI: "Who sucked the most tonight?"
Mr. AMAI: "This has to be the ugliest group of people ever assembled. Not a homelier cast has ever been assembled for your viewing enjoyment of festering boils…."
AMAI: *eyeroll*
Mr. AMAI: "…and…you fill in the rest because I'm not thinking straight right now."
Tampa: "I don't know. They all were dull."
AMAI: "All. No exceptions."
Tampa: "Yes. Chris was blah."
AMAI: "I think Lakisha was the best, maybe. Her shouting woke me up in time for Jordin. Bleat Box Blah was only entertaining for the gay porn jokes. These songs were horrible, dull."
Tampa: "I officially hate inspirational night."
AMAI: "I hate most of this season. But Jon Bon Jovi Week is next week, and that will make up for a lot of things."
The Rogue Wave enters chatroom
AMAI: "Rogue, who was the worst tonight?"
Rogue: "Didja see Sandy Duncan sing Imagine?"
AMAI: "Sandy Duncan? You mean that asshat wannabe Mike Boogie Jr, winner of Big Brothers All Stars? Him?"
Rogue: "If he had a glass eye I'd think I was watching Hollywood Squares."
Tampa: "LOL. You are mean. He most likely is gay."
Rogue: "Oh...Blake is gay."
Tampa: "Ok. He does lisp a bit. HAS TO GO!"
Rogue: "LaKisha sucks."
Tampa: "Lakisha has to go soon."
Rogue: "LaKisha is next. LaKisha...don't take this the wrong way but ...you know... you kinda sucked tonight."
Tampa: "YOU SUCK! She did."
AMAI: "She did not suck. She was loud and woke me up in time for Jordin."
Rogue: "Jordin was good tonight. She better step off."
Tampa: "Jordin was good. She will WIN!"
Rogue: "Get away from my Melinda."
Tampa: "Nope. Jordin."
Rogue: "Melinda = Winner."
Tampa: "You wish."
AMAI: "Jordin will win! Melinda will be out in 3rd. in a big shock. They desperately need a pretty idol who can also sing."
Rogue: "Jordin and Melinda = Final 2 now that Gay Boy tanked."
AMAI: "Gay Boy? Which one? Bleat Box or Fries with That?"
Rogue: "Only Gay Blake is left."
AMAI: "Chris is gayish."
Rogue: "But not gay, I think."
Rogue: "Phil has bad breath."
Tampa: "How do you know Phil?"
Rogue: "I can just tell."


RESULTS
First of all, there weren't any. No one was eliminated, everyone is safe and next week is Bon Jovi Week, so I'm looking forward to that.

In other news, Ryan reported there were 70 million votes and tons of money raised to throw at the various problem areas around the world that Idol decided to help out with this week's shows. Woo. Yay, right?

Sigh. Whatever. Am I cynical? I suppose I am. It's the old 'give a man a fish' vs. 'teach a man to fish' syndrome. The starving children in Africa have been there for at least 50 years, so clearly they keep managing to pull back from the brink. All the money in the world is wasted if the way of life that caused the starving situation doesn't change. The same problems happen over and over. It's more than just a quick fix can solve. Changes of fundamental attitude and approach are needed. I doubt it will happen in my lifetime; there is too much invested in creating war and too many government officials would lose their status, if their countries became war-free and their citizens independent productive individuals.

I'd like to help a child in need. I think I'll sponsor another child through one of those programs. It is very satisfying and I feel like my contribution is actually helping someone.

Back to the circus on Wednesday night. It wasn't completely without value. The Jack Black segment was fun, and I find myself wishing he could be one of the contestants and sing each week. He showed a damn sight more personality than 85% of the Final Six. The Simpsons skit was hilarious. Onstage Simon croaks out a song and Homer tells him to lose the accent, Lisa "loves dogs" and claps like a seal, and Marge does her best Randy impression: "I wasn't lovin' it dawg." Mr. AMAI wished I'd called him for the Celine & Elvis duet because he's an Elvis fan.

Other than that, it was bloated, self-aggrandizing and irritating. The part that bugs me the most is when these people shit on capitalism, contemptuous of profit-making, yet have their hands out ready to benefit from the surplus and bounty that capitalism & the profit motive create.

Thanks for reading.

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