AI6 "Three Become Two"

Ryan opens with the announcement that the Final I-Dulls were allowed out of the compound (heavily chaperoned of course) so they could return home. The show had to do that: the Kids' loved ones were threatening to call the police. However, the furlough footage showed none of the family moments, focusing instead on politicians reading aloud faxes sent by I-Dull Judges. THIS is American Idol.

Three finalists do three songs each. There are three lines to call and three more nights of this shit. Three idiot judges. Did I mention only three more nights?

So, the first song is chosen by an I-Dull Judge; the second is a "producers' choice" and trust me, I debated where to put that apostrophe. Did all the producers discuss the song for each Kid, or did one executive producer make executive decisions? Group-think seems appropriate for this show, so I went with "s apostrophe." The third song is the one the Kids chose for themselves. The girls reprise songs they did earlier in the season; Blake went with a previously unbleat-boxed number. Here are the full playlists:

JORDIN
1. Wishin' On A Star
2. She Works Hard For The Money
3. I Who Have Nothing

MELINDA
1. I Believe In You And Me
2. Nutbush City Limits
3. Trouble Is A Woman

BLAKE
1. Roxanne
2. This Love
3. When I Get You Alone

ROUND 1


Jordin Song 1
We join Jordin on a stage somewhere in Arizona, as Mayor Scrubs, mayor of Glendale, prepares to read aloud a fax from Simon. The great Simon Cowel has chosen Wishing On A Star by Rose-Royce for Jordin. Rose-Royce? Oh, I think, "This might be good."

She's wearing a dark dress with white and lilac material on the breasts. The song is over by the time I finish typing that one sentence. WTF?

giselle: "Cute dress. She sounds good, sings well but I don't like the song."
QB: "Jordin is ok. Looks good. Not a really exciting choice for me. Just not anything special. That was... meh."
AMAI: "It was meh."
giselle: "But she sang well."
AMAI: "She sings meh very well! Randy can't slam the song choice because Simon chose it."

Randy loves it, calling it "Hot like Beyoncé." Paula gives Simon credit for picking a good song, adding it was a great way to start the show. Paula is fully medicated for our protection this evening, just so you know. Simon says Jordin sang brilliantly but he didn't care for the jazzy arrangement. Ryan assumes his most headmistress-y look as he scolds Simon: "So you didn't like your own song choice?" Simon argues about what it is he didn't like but the whole discussion is silly.

Blake Song 1
After ads, we join Blake's hometown visit already in progress. Mayor Lamb To The Slaughter in Washington State has an important fax! From Paula? Ugh. I need a break. This season was poorly put together. I don't care about any of the finalists. I wish Sanjaya were still here. He was the most entertaining. So I take a break from the recap. When I return, I realize I was actually shocked that Paula chose for Blake, since Randy seemed to have it in the bag as Blake's most ardent supporter. Why didn't he get to pick? Maybe Randy was too pro-Blake. Thinking back, it does seem if he's recently begun making less than positive comments. Perhaps it was a bid to cause Blake's fanbase to panic and vote extra for him to help him get to the finale. Anyway, Paula's choice is Roxanne by the Police.

QB: "In the hometown bit he looked like Steve Stiffler in a horrible sweater."
giselle: "I love Steve Stiffler, Blake not so much."
QB: "He is soooo not the Stiffmeister."
giselle: "My friend Danielle just said Blake gets on her nerves and his mouth bugs her and you never see his teeth when he sings."
AMAI: "That's true, Giselle. How does he do that? Maybe it's a function of wearing old man pants. Actually, this isn't bad because he isn't bleatboxing. But it's still hollow and horrible."
giselle: "He is hurting my ears."
QB: It's a brual choice. Singing Sting is soooo hard. And the background singers are HORRID. Still, he's doing ok. I kinda liked it."
giselle: "I just saw his teeth, Danielle was wrong."

Randy's commentary is ALL over the map. He sets off on his mini-odyssey with "great performance," tones it down slightly to "pretty good vocal" and then remembers he needs to show negativity and concludes with "there were some rough spots." One of the pitchiest critiques ever. As for Paula, either she talked in staccato or my notes are really flimsy: "Did me proud. Changed phrasing. Fresh." Simon's earth was not shattered: "The trouble with that song is you're always forced to do an impression. You can't say it was fantastic." Blake makes faces. Paula argues because she's a wind-up doll.

Melinda Song 1
Randy is left to choose I Believe in You & Me for Melinda. I think he really wanted to hear Blake sing that song to him but it was not to be. The Governor of the whole state of Tennessee, Mr. Bredesen, is on hand to conduct the reading of the will, I mean fax. As for the performance it's another Melinda outing, tastefully dull, competently boring. I'm ready for a nap and it's over.

giselle: "Melinda sings well, she always does. But I still don't like her. Danielle and I both hate the dress."
AMAI: "Ugh, me too. The dress is icky. Notice she got the governor of the State."
QB: "Yeah, he had nothing else going on. Agree, uggo dress. It looks like a bathroom wall."
AMAI: "A bathroom mat, you mean."
giselle: "Don't like this song, not enjoying it."
QB: "I am really not liking this song."
AMAI: "Me either. These judges are shit song choosers."

Randy says he went with this song to give her a challenge. He musters the strength to say it was hot, even though it was lukewarm at best. Then he tells her she "blew it out the park." What is his game? Does he want her gone? Does he think he's being truthful? Paula sounds more phony than usual: "You were fantastic, amazing and I think one of your best performances this season." Simon likewise goes nuts, calling it her best performance in the last 4 weeks, and declaring that "round 1 goes to Melinda." Although it was crappy, the other two were at least as bad.

giselle: "No no no no Randy, you are wrong."
QB: "Randy picked it. He had to like it."
giselle: "She can do no wrong. They love her."
QB: "Paula just did a line of coke. Simon was looking at Paula's tits the whole time."
AMAI: "I don't believe these judges give a shit. They are just prattling."

Grades:
QB: "Jordin B-, Blake B-, Melinda C."
giselle: "B for Jordin but that's more for the song than her singing, C for Blake and for Melinda B-."
AMAI: "I give Jordin S+, Blake S and Melinda S-. S stands for Shit."


ROUND 2
Jordin Song 2
Jordin gets a Phantom Viewer Question: "What is your favorite song of all time?" Her answer? MmmmmBop by Hanson. Does the explanation "she's only 17" even work here? I mean, it's like her favorite song is the same one she first heard when she was 7. She says the song makes her smile. Music has been crappy since then. In any event, let me say that her favorite is quite the juxtaposition with the producers' choice for her of Donna Summer's She Works Hard for the Money.


AMAI: "Nice opening line, nice slutty outfit."
giselle: "But she looks good. The shoes not so much."
QB: "Is it me or does she have no rhythm when she moves?"
Tampa: "Bitch can't dance."
giselle: "It's the shoes."
AMAI: "6 inch heels. She's already 6 feet tall."
QB: "6'4" with the afro."
Tampa: "YES! She's huge! I love BCBG Girls shoes, but I won't wear them. They are too tall."
AMAI: "I hope she doesn't topple."
QB: "Pretty good! Much better. B+."
AMAI: "Nice enough singing, but sucky song choice. Doesn't really go with her."

Randy covers up the awkwardness of the performance: "Doesn't matter what song you do. You work it out." Paula exclaims, "Fantastic." Simon is laughing at Paula for some reason, choking out his comments between gasps for breath. What the hell did Paula say/do that was so funny? He says it was very good, but complains the arrangement was "a little bit old-fashioned." Simon's complains are really tiresome.

Blake Song 2
A Phantom Viewer named Nancy (hahaha) wants to know how Blake would entitle a movie about his own life and whom he would choose to portray himself. Blake wants Jim Carrey to play him in a movie called Organized Chaos. Is My Life As A Bleat-Boxer already taken? But Organized Chaos is probably the title of the movie Jim Carrey wants for his own life story. Besides, wouldn't Robin Williams be a closer match physically? The producers chose Maroon 5's whiny song This Love.


Tampa: "I like this song. I own this CD. I hope he's good."
QB: "He's not bad here! Good start. I like this song..."
giselle: "I like it too and it seems to suit him."
AMAI: It would suit him. This song is uber-gay."
QB: "LOL. Smart choice then."
giselle: "True. LOL. For once, I kinda like him. Ohhhh, I hate to say it, but I like this."
Mr. AMAI: "He did this song before, didn't he?"
QB: "He's doing well. Nice job..."
AMAI: "Blake does a passable job on a song I never liked. That wasn't shit. Actually and shockingly."
QB: "Hah. It must have killed you to say that."

I guess Randy feels it's okay to be excited about Blake again: "This is the kind of record you should make. That's a good vibe for you." Oh dear. Blake looks a little sick to hear that. Or he ought to. Even Paula gangs up on Blake: "You were totally in your element." Simon says he preferred this song to the first one. "You sounded comfortable and you didn't sound like a copycat." LOL, except Blake totally did sound like a copycat but whatever.

Melinda Song 2
Her Producers' Choice is the Ike & Tina Turner classic, Nutbush City Limits.


AMAI: OMG! I love this song. She's doing a pretty good job with it, too."
giselle: "OMG, ugly dress. She is all belly. She looks pregnant. I don't know the song but I'm not getting any chills or goosebumps. Does nothing for me."
QB: "Yikes. She does look bad! I'm not a big fan of this at all."

Randy says it was another stellar performance and suggests she put some of that in her repertoire. Paula desperately tries to hang onto her mind, saying, "You look like you had a blast." She loses the battle when she can't think of anything to say besides, "We love you we love you we love you." Simon dryly notes to Paula, "That's why we hired you for this show." He lauds Melinda for another great performance. Ryan wants to know who wins Round 2 but Simon won't split hairs: "I'm gonna call it a tie."

We will split those hairs with Craptastic Evaluator 3000. Here are our Round 2 grades.

QB: "Jordin, B. Blake, A-. Melinda B."
AMAI: "Jordin: B, Blake A-, Melinda A."


ROUND 3


Jordin Song 3
The third song is contestant's choice. The Kids may reprise a previous song or present something new. Jordin repeats I Who Have Nothing, one of her best from the season. She's wearing a peach gown with, sigh, a high waist.

AMAI: "Didn't she do this song before?"
QB: "I like this song. This is her style."
giselle: "I love it. I love Jordin. She did great. A for Jordin."

Randy: "You feel good after all of that? That was another great performance. Your best of the night!" Paula, having lost her mind, cannot quite make sense. Almost but not quite: "It sat well in your voice and how it built. Good choice." Simon can't dispute that she sang well. But he also can't keep himself from taking issue with the fact that she chose an incredibly old fashioned song from 60 years ago. Jordin backchats, "Wasn't Rose Royce kinda in the 70s?" Ha! See? Even the song Simon chose for her was from 30 years ago, and not "current."

giselle: "Oh, Simon. Fuck you right in the ear. I may even vote."
Tampa: "Simon has a hang up with that."
AMAI: "Simon is getting on my nerves with that. Like he chose such a great song."

Blake Song 3
For some reason we watch Blake performing Baby Got Back with Sir Mix A Lot, who idiotically yells, "We now have a new king of C-Town." Um, "C-Town" would not be Chilltown by chance, would it? Blake is back to wearing checkered pants. His choice is When I Get You Alone.

QB: "Blake should have done Sir Mix-a-lot. This is his thing. It's a good night for him."
giselle: "My kids are dancing to this. Danielle likes this too or maybe its the kids dancing."
Mr. AMAI: "It's good AI is letting disabled people on."
QB: "HAHAHAHA."

Randy: "It was cool. I like the Maroon 5 thing more for you. That was Robin Thicke?"
Paula: "3 great songs. 3 great performances."
Simon: "I actually really liked that. I've gotta say, Blake, this is what I've liked about you. You don't play it safe, you take a risk and look like you're having fun."
Ryan: "Somebody's got a musical crush out here."
Ads, thankfully.

Melinda Song 3
But first, guess what? Melinda has her own street in Tennessee. It's called, predictably, Melinda Doolittle Way. Her song is W O M A N.

AMAI: "Did she do this before? Or was that someone else?"
giselle: "I don't remember anyone doing this."
AMAI: "I do. Kiki, maybe."
Tampa: "Groan."
giselle: "Oh no. 'I can fry up the bacon, cause I'm a woman' Like a man can't do that. I hate this song."
AMAI: "Mr. AMAI is great at bacon. And lots of other things too. I eat pretty well."
QB: "Good job by Melinda! All 3 get an A this round."

Randy: "What's really cool about you is you showed range tonight." He's talking like Melinda has never showed range before. He calls it "hot" which is the "anti-pitchy." "That was hot. You could sing the phone book." Yeah, she could and that would simply match the dullness of most of her performances throughout the season. Paula says, "You're stepping into the spotlight." Without Paula to make these fascinating observations, how would we know what's going on? Simon says he loved the little striptease at the beginning. Then he makes his Solemn Pronouncement: "I gotta say, if I'm gonna award a place to a person in the final for someone who has consistently delivered week after week, it's you." Huge cheers from the crowd.

RESULTS
Ryan is now not shaving on a regular basis. Is he trying to prepare to go back to living in the jungle as a snow leopard? He tells us Maroon 5 is here to perform. I wonder if they're really here to kidnap Blake, since he did a better job singing their hit song than their regular lead singer.

Early into our Chat on Results Night, I predicted that Jordin would be out and Melinda would be in the final two. I apologize to my fellow chatters if I gave the impression I knew what I was talking about, especially since most of us were hoping to see Blake leave. I was just babbling away, comparing them. Blake, innovative yet mediocre singer v. Melinda who can sing the fuck out of everything for somebody and while it won't always be you, when it is, the fuck stays sung out of it but most of the time she's competently dull.

giselle: "She can sing, but I still don't like her. Wouldn't buy her CD most likely."
MG: "I still want Jordin to win. I like Mel >> Blake."
giselle: "I don't know how he made it this far."
MG: "Me either."
giselle: "Imagine if Melinda is out??? Just imagine??? How shocking would that be?"
QB: "I picked Melinda to be eliminated."

Watching footage of Melinda and Blake I had been unable to decide who would win between those two. Perhaps it would depend on the songs they get to sing, and which one sings first. Then again, it also depends on whether it's better to sing first or last. Thinking back, I don't know what happened to the footage of Jordin. I think I was really trying to deal with the idea that she wouldn't make it to the Finale, after declaring her my favourite to win since about Week 5.

In the meantime, the Results Show to reveal who will be in those final two spots continues faffing around and wasting time. We're almost up to the moment quite a few have been waiting for, the return of last season's 3rd Place Finisher. In fact, Ryan mentioning that Elliott will be appearing later causes us to discuss Elliot Yamin. His followers are/were sometimes called Yaminions. I used to call him Mehlliott. I never got what anyone saw in him. He put me to sleep but not reliably. I guess he holds the attention, because some love him and some can't figure out how a shmuck like him got on television.

AMAI: "Are you all Elliott fans? Am I like the only Blue Jay in a sea of Yankees?"
QB: "Ahem, Mets. But not really. I never got the Elliott hype."
MG: "I didn't like his song choices but I thought he was a good singer. I like him, but I don't love him."
giselle: "I hear he has changed his appearance a lot."
Tampa: "He got his teeth fixed. He looks totally different. I'm not a fan. I just saw a recent picture and didn't recognize him."
AMAI: "Totally different, eh? We'll see. Maybe if he got a jaw reduction, had his eyes moved apart, grew some height and found a new stylist."

Elliott. This is the night of who went out 3rd.. Next season, they should bring back more of the 3rd place getters. Maybe get the voters to pick the best 3rd place getter from all seasons. Give you guys more to vote for. I can't vote because I'm in Canada. Don't get excited, yet, tho. This is just Ryan teasing us that Elliott will be performing later.

Periodically throughout the hour, Ryan was giving the "run-down" on one of the three contestants. I wasn't always paying attention but as luck would have it, I was paying attention for Blake's. His montage package includes little girl boobies, Hendrix playing, Seattle and the Space Needle. Traveling in a water plane. I noted that I was amazed that Blake was not annoying during the segment.

AMAI: "Awww, the sun shone for Blake. That is amazing, actually."
giselle: "Is that possible?"
AMAI: I thought it was impossible in Seattle. The sun NEVER shines in Seattle. It peeps out from behind clouds at best."

Ryan reads out a passel of comments from the judges. "Maroon 5: you were in your element." Poor Blake. Maroon 5 is the epitome of suck, isn't it? No wonder Blake's montage will need to include a lot of blow-job faces. Of course, the pronouncement of the result on Blake will have to wait until after Mehliott makes his grand appearance, which is right now!


AMAI: "Bwahaha! Elliott has had a make-over and turned into Ethan Zohn."
Mr. AMAI: "You wanna watch this? Can I change it?"
AMAI: "LOL. No, you can't."
Tampa: "Ethan hair lol. Ethan is still cuter."
AMAI: "He is a clone of Ethan in a brown suit. He's got face fuzz."
Tampa: "Sweater vest."
AMAI: "He's wearing sneakers. He looks a lot better."
The Rogue Wave joined
Rogue: "What a crowd. Elliott has an afro."
Tampa: Hi R. Elliot looks like Ethan."
AMAI: "Hey Rogue. Elliott is not thoroughly sick making like before."
Mr. AMAI: "What's up with not tucking in shirts? It's like they're all living in Florida and they're old."
giselle: "lol"
QB: "lol"
Mr. AMAI: "Jesus Christ. It's the response to the girls showing their midsections. The guys leave their shirts untucked."
Tampa: "Elliot looks like an idiot. And he sucks."
AMAI: "Then you're listening to him sing. It's pablum singing to me. He's pleasant, but I wouldn't listen to him sing. I'm certainly not waiting for him. Lol, he's waiting for me, tho. Stalker."
giselle: "Lol AMAI, but his teeth are good right?"
AMAI: "Teeth? He wouldn't open his mouth. I don't know if he has teeth."
Rogue: "His new teeth are too big. All 46 of them."
giselle: "Even big they have to be better?"
Tampa: "Maybe he's related to me. I have too many teeth and they are all up front."

The curly hair is cute. He looks completely different. Randy is happy dawg came home. Paula is speechless almost.

giselle: "She is never totally speechless."

Simon faux complains about the performance, then admits it was great. Paula is proud and babbles "I love you I love you."

Ugh. It's the best and the worst of seasons. Best talent but I'm the most sick of them at this point.

Tampa: "Are you going to watch Pirate Master?"
Rogue: "I probably won't be able to resist."
AMAI: "You know we will all be watching."
Tampa: "Of course we will watch. Suckers."

Ads. Then Maroon 5 perform.

Tampa: "Come on. 20 minutes left. Dragging out this shit."
AMAI: "Oh, we need to get to know these people. We're closer than the last time I did this."
Tampa: "Painful. PAINFUL!"
AMAI: "It's a process. It's like an orgasm by the numbers. Let's take a poll among our chatting friends, shall we? Who is watching the show right now?"
MG: "I'm not."
Tampa: "I is."
AMAI: "MG isn't, Tampa is. I feel like Jeff Probst."
QB: "Jesus. Drag this out much? This show is endless."
AMAI: "Blake was really outed wasn't he. Ooh man. Is this band really a big deal? Maroon 5."
Mr. AMAI: "It's like they're chipmunks. Or maybe it's from using cell phones and you have to talk really fast to get it said in one minute."

Finally it's almost time for results.


Rogue: "Blake's dad is 500 pounds. At least 450."
giselle: "He is huge."
Tampa: "Blake will be that big one day. You can see it."
Rogue: "Blake is pudgy now."
AMAI: "375. He lost weight. He was like two people before. I thought he was carrying someone in a sack on his front."
giselle: "Blake seems short, I wonder how tall he is."
Tampa: "He does seem short."
Rogue: "5'2"."
All: "lol."

And…. Jordin is in. Blake is in. Melinda is out.

AMAI: "Melinda is too old. She is out."
Rogue: "WHAT THE FUCK! American Idol is racist. And ageist. Simon is livid."
Roadfinder: "We predicted you'd be upset, Rogue."
Tampa: "I said you'd cry. Any tears yet?"
Rogue: "Finale = Bogus."
AMAI: "Rogue, do you need a drink?"
QB: "Jordin has this in the bag."
MG: "I hope you're right, QB."
AMAI: "She doesn't have it in the bag. She needs to do awesome."
Tampa: "Watch Blake win."
Rogue: "American Homo."
MG: "That would suck."
QB: "Jordin will pound him."
Tampa: "Melinda is taking this well."
Rogue: "She should get her own finale."
AMAI: "I had a feeling Melinda would be out 3rd place. It fits her body of work. I think the voters are interested in quality entertainment."
MG: "I don't."
QB: "I think the voters are mental midgets."
Rogue: "The voters are fucking stupid."
MG: "I think a bunch of teenyboppers and old women are voting Blake. He's Clay part deux."
Rogue: "Goddamn it."
AMAI : "How mad are you?"
Rogue: "White hot."
AMAI: "Really?"
Rogue: "Ultraviolet hot."
AMAI: "You're kidding, right?"
MG: "I feel like Rogue is foreshadowing how mad we'll all be next week."
AMAI: "America voted…"
Rogue: "Badly."
AMAI: "…they chose these two. More people want to see these two than want to see Melinda. Enough with the Shrek!"
Rogue: "Never. All Blake does is wiggle that fat ass around the stage and make mechanical noises."

Final Thoughts
AMAI: "She's a good singer but she's not pretty to look at. That's why she would never win this sort of competition where it's all on TV with the close-ups. If you're gay, Blake might look pretty good to you. Melinda has a great career ahead of her. This is as far as "America" will take her in this competition. It's up to her to go on from here. She'll find her way. She has a huge fanbase and is likely to woo new fans with her album. She seems most likely to do well if you don't have to look at her."
QB: "It kinda went the way I figured. They were all about equal, but Blake and Jordin have big fan bases. Melinda is just so boring, she didn't inspire the passion to get enough people to vote. She is a better singer, but Blake is more "entertaining", and gets the little girltard vote. She couldn't over come it. Jordin will blast Blake next week. It won't even be close enough to release the percentages. They'll just declare her the winner."

As for next week, I think based on past years that they'll each sing three songs again. Based on me blotting out most of past years, I don't remember whether the two Finalists are permitted to perform at least two songs back-to back. We'll find out soon enough. See you next week. Yay, final week!

Thanks for reading.

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