Pre-Season: The Contestants

SmokeItGood prepared the following review of the contestants. For more Sucksters' views, click on the title of this Blog entry.

Adam
This is a guy who all us whiteys are going to hate for representing us. He has that look that makes you want to punch him in the face (unless you’re a slut, in which case you want his face shoved into your nether regions). He also seems like the type of guy who steals your best guy friend’s girlfriend and makes him cry for the first time in a non-testicle related incident (although I guess you could classify it as a testicle related incident if you’d like).

You know this guy would definitely have been a member of the KKK if he were living in KKK times so I would love to have seen his reaction when Burnett went up to him and was like, “Yeah Adam. . .uhhh. . .you’re going to be battling *insert racist terms for blacks, Asians, and Hispanics here*”. His profile says in high school he excelled in basketball. That’s synonymous with “he sucked ass at academics” because only black people or Danielle Dilorenzo would state proudly in a biography that they excelled in basketball. Then it says he was very active in his fraternity, so apparently whoever edited the page took out the word “sexually” from in front of the word “active.” He quit being a personal trainer after 6 months, probably because most Virginians are obese. Now he sells photo copiers to churches. Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh…I wouldn’t even put that on my resume if I were trying to get a job at Kinko’s. What do churches need photocopiers for anyway? Do priests sit on them now so they can photocopy their asses and get off to them to replace the altar boy sex now that they’ve been caught? Anyways, it says that he hopes to move into medical sales.

Props to Burnett for not adding in there that Steph and Danielle are his role models. Hopefully this guy isn’t our final 2 goat though because he brings nothing to the table except for beer and hot chicks, and there are no random hot chicks for him to bring. By the way, this guy lists Dakota Fanning as his favorite actress yet doesn’t list War of the Worlds as his favorite movie, so if he makes it to the family visit and one of the others has a daughter and obsesses over her as much as Shane does to Boston and is that Survivor’s visitor person, I just hope he can keep it in his pants to avoid the awkwardness that’d erupt if he didn’t. And he watches the OC and Grey’s Anatomy, so if you have a vagina, Adam likes you.

Former Survivor he most resembles: Nick (Who? There, I saved you the thought, since you know you were about to think “Nick” and right after think “Who?” making the most overplayed joke in Survivor history.)

Becky
In the original pic of her when she was spoiled she looked really cute. In the picture of her post-filming, she decided to LaGROSSa herself and put on way way way too much makeup emphasizing the WHORE part of mediawhore. She’s South Korean, so unfortunately I can’t make any “the film actors guild are pussies, and Becky Jung Il... is an asshole” jokes but she was born in Flushing so I can make all the toilet jokes I want.

I do like the fact that she isn’t a New York Mets fan even though they play there. I would commend her on graduating from the University of Michigan since that was my dream school until they told me I would have to pay $36000 a year to go there, but then I saw she majored in women’s studies, and trust me, chicks who major in women’s studies at U of M are RIDICULOUSLY feminist and think that when a male leaves the toilet seat up it’s the start of a male chauvinist movement.

Seriously, I can see her being similar to Ami just for that reason alone (if her occupation is listed as barista ...look out men.) One thing I’ve noticed (and I’ll point others out later on) is that even though they tried their best to cast this diversely, all these people have common interests and things they can bond over. Becky and that Parvati chick both get imaginary hard-ons when it comes to boxing.

Oh and what is up with yoga all of a sudden having specific types now. She is into “hot yoga” and Brad is into “power yoga.” I didn’t know yoga could be hot…I know I’m not turned on when a chick can bend her back to the extent where she can eat her own vagina if she wanted to but I guess that could stiffen the one-eyed snake of a guy with weird fetishes.

She also likes going out with her girlfriends. A lesbian player eh? She really gives me the Ami vibe. Basically she’s a lawyer who can suck you in by talking football, then overreact when you do something innocent, then kickbox you to hell, then get all females to turn on you, and then sue your ass for harassing her…watch out men.

Former Survivor she most resembles: Twila…haha just kidding…Ami

Billy
A Hispanic who moved to Miami and didn’t use a raft…wow let that sink in. It says he saved his lunch money to buy his first guitar, which I never would have guessed because he’s huge. But broad shouldered huge guys have always done well on Survivor at least challenge-wise: Rupert, Robb Z, and Judd and Amy to name a few.

I think that if he can get by the original tribe stage he could do well…there’s a crazy ugly chick and a black dude with dreds in his band so him, Flicka whatever, and Nathan could bond. Of course there’s no way he’s getting far, because he’s going to be the comedic relief and all the other Latino people will hate him because I like him.

The band’s name is Forsakken, which is kinda weird cause I’ve been to one real concert in my life, and a band named Forsaken played. They were loud and crazy with Rastafarian hair and no females so I guess it’s not them (the extra k and the fact that Billy Garcia would never ever ever open for 3 Doors Down solidify that. I have an excuse for going to a 3 Doors Down concert by the way but I’m not getting into it.)

Billy is also a wannabe wrestler with the nickname of Spanish Fly. Pull him down and expose a 2 inch penis! Haha small Mexican penii jokes never get old. His hero is Kurt Angle and not Rey Mysterio or the late Eddie Guererro so this guy totally belongs on the white American team. I expect this guy to be my favorite this season (and not just because he’s from my state- that excuse is always lame). But last year Courtney was one of my pre-game favorites and look how that turned out…(Tirade against Flicaflameownage coming later).

Former Survivor he most resembles: Everyone’s favorite from Thailand (mainly cause he choked Clay) Robb Zbacnik.

Brad
Not much to say about Brad. He’s going to be gay. He’s going to be in your face. He’s going to be fighting with Cao Bui for leadership of the Asian tribe, and he’s going to get it. He’s also going to be the first boot once challenges become individual unless he can convince JP or whoever the volleyball player guy is to let him into their alliance just because he loves volleyball too.

His favorite TV shows are HUGE surprises- Queer Eye, American Idol, Project Runway, and Will and Grace. Wait…where’s that show with Hal Sparks? Queer as Folk I think it’s called…And he lists Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt as his favorite actors. Well, that must be an awkward dinner conversation topic for Katie and Angelina, and we all know they watch because the first pictures of Suri and the other one who has a messed up name were taken with Survivor on in the background.

Former Survivor he most resembles: John from Marquesas…last name was Carroll I think?

Candice
Our white hottie. I think she’ll do more along the lines of Sally and not like Morgan. HEHEHE her name is Woodcock. There’s no way Adam’s voting her off before he votes off Flica, and the White team isn’t going to lose ever right? I think Candice is one of the 3 that applied and her bio makes her seem like that ridiculously popular girl who does well at everything and the girl that every other girl in school is jealous of.

HEHEHE her last name is Woodcock. She seems somewhat smart for a Southern belle and seems like the exact opposite of racist. Also is probably the first person to ever consider Hearts a video game. I’ve never heard of “Bob Ross: The Joy of Painting,” but it sounds like one of the most interesting shows of all time. Better not blink, you might miss something.

She has a favorite alcoholic drink but doesn’t have a favorite non-alcoholic drink, so if the reward is coke like in Amazon, she won’t give two shits, but if it’s wine like last season, look out- she might drink it all up like Danielle and Courtney. What, you think that Bobby was the one who drank all the wine? Congrats on passing the stupid gullible dumbass test with flying colors. That’s just what Mark Burnett wanted you to think. HEHEHE her last name is Woodcock.

Former Survivor she most resembles: I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt and say Kelly Goldsmith.

Cao Boi
Ahhhh the Cao Boi. When this guy was spoiled we were told we’d have a real life cowboy on the show. If I knew what Pretense Loyal Order of Moose was, maybe I’d be able to verify if that was correct.

I love how when the site was first posted, it listed his occupation as a Nail Salon Manager. I hope he was pulling a Willard and was lying about his occupation. He used to be a used car salesman, fisherman, and farm hand, so I’m expecting this guy to shoot puppies, do the pancake, and ask about dirty hyenas in his jury question. Well that’s assuming he makes it that far, because this guy could push some buttons. There’s no way Becky’s going to like him, and she’s going to have Jenny eating out of her own hand (no pun intended on the “eating out” choice of words) so all they’ll need is Yul or Brad and the coolest guy on the cast will be gone before we get to know him.

This guy keeps his shirt open a lot just like Bruce, so yay! We get to see old men titties on Survivor Live again! He’s fucking awesome when it comes to naming, since he named his kids Jesse Dakota and Nicholas Roundtree, and his dog Charlie Woof. Now if it was a horse, would he have named it Charlie Horse, or Charlie Neigh? Or Charlie Dilorenzo? I really hope he impacts Brad’s life tremendously because if Brad’s 30 seconds of air time on the reunion show go to him speaking about how he adopted a baby girl and named her Cao Boi, I will die a happy man.

His colors are listed as “Red & black, blue, pink, purple.” So if he sees blood, he isn’t happy, but if he sees bloody shit, he enjoys that? Whoa look at me sounding like Debb Eaton..let’s move on.

Former Survivor he most resembles: A combination of Bruce and Shane.

Cecilia
Kinda looks like an older version of my first long distance relationship- unfortunately she’ll probably be boring and dull. She spent a year living in San Fran before she finally learned how to speak English, so I’m sure the first word she wanted to know the meaning of was “gay.” She got a lot of scholarships, so stop saying that there’s no such thing as affirmative action!

She’s a technology risk consultant, and in every fucking preview written thus far, the writer has said they have no idea what that means. I’ll tell you what it means- it means she sells a video game of a board game in which you try to be like Pinky and take over the world; she also sells the consoles on which to play it.

A lot of the focus has been on her boobs thus far, and they aren’t really that good, although they look like they have potential in her profile pic. She also lists an MS Office game as her favorite video game- this time it’s Minesweeper. I don’t get it- if Xbox were stupid enough to make Minesweeper into an Xbox game, what would be the new graphics? Would the entire screen blow up when you clicked on a mine? (Now that I think about it- make Minesweeper into a game!)

She apparently has HORRENDOUS handwriting because the website lists “Laura Guillermo Prieio” as one of her favorite authors, and after googling it because I was like…isn’t Guillermo a dude’s name? Does she like a tranny writer?...it says that the writer’s real name is “Alma Guillermoprieto.” Now that’s a butchering.

She will definitely be the first on the Hispanic-American tribe to go (if you think Ozzy, JP, and Billy aren’t going to align, then you’re smoking too many Cubans stuffed with weed,) so don’t get too attached to her.

Former Survivor she most resembles: Jessie Camacho, which will get confusing because the other Hispanic chick is a cop.

Cristina
Speaking of the other Hispanic chick…First off, spell your name right. Jesus didn’t fill out his SAT’s without the h, and nobody celebrates Cristmas. Her family has this whole story that America’s Most Wanted would’ve aired in a heartbeat if it hadn’t happened before the show came into existence. She’s been shot at and still remains upbeat. Oh great, another Lydia. She was in a Police Rape Awareness video. Wasn’t the chick who got groped in “Crash” black?

One of her favorite scents is “clean.” I hope she means Mr. Clean because that guy was so cool and because I don’t know how clean can be a scent since it’s an opinion.

Hm…I wonder why in her favorite TV shows listing, THE AMAZING RACE IS CAPITALIZED. Pathetic. She also likes Desperate Housewives, so maybe she can talk to Adam about the Mexican gardener!

She lists Mel Gibson as one of her favorite actors, yet she was pinned up against her car by a drunk driver and almost died. I bet she’s regretting that move now.

Former Survivor she most resembles: Lydia- hopefully she does something in challenges.

Jenny
Hm. Was a tomboy, parents wanted her to be a chick (I thought Asians always want their kids to be male…or is that just the Chinese?) Her bio says she’s a fierce competitor, the exact words Danielle’s bio had last year. Based on that alone, I should hate her, but because she turned into a journalist, which is what my major will be because there’s no such thing as a comedy major, I have to respect her. Add her to the volleyball and yoga fan club that 85% of the Survivors are charter members of.

Another interest of hers is “Pilates” so apparently she likes Jesus killers. One of her dogs is an American Eskimo, so now I am totally fucking confused, because Eskimos are humans last I checked. (I know they’re dogs too, sometimes you have to pretend to be stupid to get a joke to work, deal with it).

In her favorite TV shows, Survivor and Amazing Race are completely capitalized too, because if you haven’t heard, they air on ABC. Holy shit, one of her favorite books is “Night.” How can anyone list a Holocaust book as one of their favorite books? Are our grandkids going to read books on 9/11 and list them as their favorites when they mediawhore themselves on a reality show? God I hope not.

She could easily make the merge, as she seems personable and in shape.

Former Survivor she most resembles: She’s about the same age, so I’m going to go out on a limb and say Cirie (watch me get blasted for that now, and end up being right- I can feel it.)

Jessica
UGH. Is there a single viewer who did not get tired of Courtney last year? Her popularity was as low as .91 two weeks before we saw her get voted most annoying by those who had to spend 24 hours a day with her. And her edit wasn’t even as bad as it could have been, unlike Bobby’s whose was made horrible just so that people would hate him for being black. Too bad he isn’t on this season; he would probably break Matt’s record of 91% on these popularity poll things.

Okay, back to Jessica. She’s got the same messed up hair, and loves playing with fire. God must not have a sense of humor, because you’d think that either Courtney, or Jessica, or both, would’ve had their hair catch on fire by now.

She’s this Flicka Flame personality in roller derby crap, and is also an all-star member of “Hustlers”, which makes me shudder uncontrollably because I reaaaally don’t need to think of this chick naked.

She’s an artsy douche, and her favorite cookies are Girl Scout Cookies, and considering she has no real profession, I’m assuming it’s because they’re the easiest to steal. I really hope she’s the first one out at Rarotonga, but because the women have the majority there, and because Penner is like 10 years older than the rest, and it appears that she’s bonding with Parvati in the pre-show videos, she might last longer than she should. But I don’t want to think about that right now.

Former Survivor she most resembles: hmmm do I really need to waste the energy it takes to type Cuntney? Oh well already did.

Jonathan
Hard to believe this guy is 9 years older than Shane and 3 years younger than Terry. I have really high hopes on this guy, hopefully he can make the original switch because he will be a strategic powerhouse if given the chance. (Of course, if Bobby had been given the chance, he would’ve been a strategic powerhouse as well).

This guy was on CSI: NY and Arrested Development, so how could anyone not like him? He writes/produces/directs and is married to a director. He loves the scent of “girl,” which is kinda creepy and not specific enough, because I’m sure there are some hairy armpitted Indian girls that he does not enjoy the scent of.

He also likes SpongeBob Squarepants…uhhhh why are the only two white guys on the show pedophiles?

He lists anchovies as his favorite snack food- I guess he isn’t one of the three romances Probst has hinted to…He’s going to have a tough time getting through the first white tribal council (assuming they go there, and we all know they won’t) but I expect that he takes on a leadership role really quick and the rest of his tribe won’t be able to vote him out.

Former Survivor he most resembles: An old man version of Fairplay? Maybe? I have no idea. He’s going to be a new type of personality, and we will enjoy it.

JP
Wait a second…this guy is on the Hispanic tribe? He’s white! And there’s a chick on the white tribe with a name that sounds Persian…whatever. He’s a professional volleyball player, and everyone’s making the same joke about how that means “I have no job.” Well I hate to break it to you, but this man gets to be up close with Kerry Walsh and Misty May who are two of the hottest athletes there are today.

Oh and he also does some almost-naked modeling, which I didn’t really need to see. There are so many references to him helping/coaching females that it’s surprising we haven’t had any hot volleyball chicks come out and say that he impregnated them yet. This guy is the Matt Leinart of volleyball, so expect the dad of star player of the Mizuno Long Beach Volleyball Club to speak with reporters and say that she’s taking the year off to have the baby.

Nothing really standout about his favorites, but it will be interesting to see if he can outlast the “athletic guy voted out right around the merge or right after” curse.

Former Survivor he most resembles: I think he will be a lot like Colby, and will probably need to go on an immunity run like Colby did to save himself. And I think Yul will sneak in and win one and he’ll go that week.

Nathan
Does anyone remember the Bud Light commercial where this guy is walking his dog and wants to go into a pub and it says “No Pets” on the door so he puts his dog on his head so he looks like a Rastafarian and walks in and goes “Everybody jamming..can a brudda get a bud light mon?” Well Nathan looks like that guy with the dog on his head. I actually found a video clip, so go here:

http://www.mypartypost.com/watchvideo/2876/Commercial-_Bud_Light-_No_Dogs_Allowed.

This guy is REALLY boring. He has nothing interesting in his profile. Oh and this guy’s last name (Gonzalez) is 10 times more Hispanic than JP’s. He likes Chinese and sushi, which is hard to believe considering that he’s a shoe salesman. He likes my least favorite football team and my favorite basketball team so that cancels out too. And he clearly lies to enhance his resume, because he wrote that one of his favorite activities is swimming, and no black man has ever been able to swim on Survivor (well except Bobby, but you’re probably tired of me lauding the almighty Bobdawgsta by now.)

I have a feeling this guy will be the 2nd black person voted off, and we will know nothing more about his personality than we do now. Waste of a casting decision..

Former Survivor he most resembles: Lazy and dull…hmm so many black guys to choose from. Which is why I’ll go with Ibrehim the Muslim.

Ozzy
He’s screaming longevity to me. He has the skills it takes to win Survivor, some pretty good people skills it seems, and he’s fairly skinny so he won’t seem like a threat. Definitely a strong final 2 candidate from my vantage point- get used to seeing him on your TV.

He’s currently a waiter after formerly being a restaurant manager, which means he probably spit at a customer and now he spits in your food. Oh shit..he likes gymnastics. So we have a nail salon manager, a guy who watches Spongebob, a guy who likes Dakota Fanning, a guy who teaches little girls volleyball…WHERE THE FUCK ARE THE MASCULINE DUDES. Thank heavens for Billy (and Yul when we get to him). He’s good at all this survival stuff so he’ll be a provider.

Under video games he lists Kelly Slater, which at first made me think pansy, until I realized that I was confusing the guy with two characters from Saved by the Bell. He comes off as really well-rounded based on everything, and look at his favorite TV shows- Survivor, Jeopardy, the Daily Show, Family Guy, and South Park. If only he didn’t like gymnastics…

And if you didn’t believe he was really into this survival stuff yet, Lord of the Flies is one of his favorite movies and Gary Paulsen is one of his favorite authors. (Paulsen’s the guy who wrote Hatchet about a kid whose plane crashed and lived alone in the wilderness for like 40 days before he was rescued, also known as the book that I confused with Hamlet when I read it 8th grade. I was like…this is great literature from the 1500’s? End of short anecdote illustrating my former stupidity).

And he has two fruits listed that I’ve never heard of (cherimoya and acai? Ooookaaay.) Seriously, this guy could win. Be prepared for it.

Former Survivor he most resembles: Definitely Gabe from Marquesas, possibly a little Ryan Opray without the naivete.

Parvati
Parvati Shallow. Hm where to begin. I really don’t like her. The name doesn’t help matters, because it’s a slut name, and because it’s a bitch name. Unfortunately, the more they show that pic of her in her bikini that looks like it’s falling off worse than Angie’s bra, the more I’m starting to enjoy having her.

She’s somewhat dull too, at least job-wise. Oh and I don’t like her listing herself as a professional boxer when I googled it and found one match result (hard to believe she won.) She’s not on the website either (modelboxing.com), although the person she beat is, so she’s not even good enough. Ironically, there’s a Jessica Smith on there, and if she was on this show, there is not a single male on this planet who wouldn’t be tuning in. That chick looks like Jenn Lyon too. Now I’m really pissed that we got this sloppy twenty-seconds chick. I dislike her even though she went to UGA and majored in journalism.

Parvati gets "super cranky" if she can't play outside in the sun on a daily basis, so she’s gonna be a fun one when she can’t eat for days and it pours on her. We’ll see if she either grows on me or turns me off further when she’s on the show.

Former Survivor she most resembles: Looks like Brianna, will have the personality of Stephenie Guatemala version and Danielle in that she’ll think she’s this athletic hot shit and yet will be lazy and complain a lot.

Rebecca
Here she is, America, your first boot! I have no info to back that up, but I have never gotten as strong a vibe as the one I got when I first saw her. She was born in Laurelton, NY, and I have a short story about that place. The driving school I attended insisted that Laurelton was one of the easiest places to pass, so I was taken there for my first road test. I had this old black lady- probably about 75 years old, and she was tiny so she honestly could not see out of the windshield. About 5 seconds after I start the car she says to turn right immediately before the streetlight, which was on a “road” that is about 5 feet long before you turn onto another street. So of course I didn’t see the stop sign and failed 15 seconds after I stopped the car. I started arguing because there was no way I missed a stop sign and there’s no way she could see it behind her granny glasses, and she started bitching at me. So after she got out of the car for failing me, I told my driver guy from the school that there was no stop sign there and so he was like, “Fine, I’ll go show you” and then proceeds to go through the stop sign. That shit was fucking rigged I swear. By the way, at the next one I had a hot lady, so I was calmed down and didn’t get any points off. Moral of the story: if you aren’t turned on by the person administering your road test, prepare to fail. End of longass story.

Back to Borman- she eventually went to the shitty college I currently attend- Queens College. Hey, maybe I’ll be able to get an interview out of her. She works on The View doing makeup for Elisabeth Hasselback, who married the wrong one.

She takes in stray cats and her stepmom’s a belly dancer. That’s gotta be gross to watch. She lives with her stepsister and is 35 and has no boyfriend. Anyone else getting a lesbian vibe from her? I honestly wouldn’t be surprised. Especially since her favorite TV show is girlfriends. I just don’t see her doing well.

Former Survivor she most resembles: I totally don’t remember Ramona but she was a black lady and an early boot, so her I guess.

Sekou
Wow, this guy is big boned. I can hear Eric Cartman screaming “beefcake beeeeefcake” right now. His face actually looks like a fatter version of Michael Jordan. He was one of the original break dancers in the Bronx too. What’d he break? The floor? The seat of his pants?

He does have quite the musical resume: eat that, Brian Heidik and your stupid guitar. He says he likes to play basketball and racquetball, and also likes to lift weights. Yeah right, like once a year? Seriously, this guy is heavier than Cirie. He probably has bigger tits too. It’ll be interesting to see how he does- he’s pretty old (45) and has to be a challenge liability (and they don’t have a Bobdawg to lift him over a wall, tearing his hammies in the process.)

But I get the feeling he will be in the majority of the voting bloc at Manihiki, at least in the beginning.

Former Survivor he most resembles: Uhhh? Cirie? Rory? Gus from the Amazing Race? Hm maybe Ted, but I hope for his sake that he isn’t like Ted.

Stephannie
Dear future applicants of Survivor. If your name is Stephanie, only your parents were drunk off their asses when they gave birth to you and typoed on your birth certificate, please just spell it Stephanie when you apply and let Mark Burnett know how to really spell it on your check. This has to be the most annoying tidbit that has nothing to do with the game at all.

Anyway, she was cast to be the Cirie of the season. She’s the exact same age and a nursing student. Only difference is, she’s going to suck. She isn’t likeable and brings nothing to the table.

Oh yeah, she’s also hideous. She has more lip than hair. And she is boring. I’m going to fall asleep if I keep reading this, so I’m moving on even though she’s getting a tiny segment.

Former Survivor she most resembles: Cirie except for the awesomeness. So more like Melinda.

Sundra
Born to Jamaican parents in Queens. Oh ew she went to NYU. I’m surprised she didn’t commit suicide by jumping out a window (that’s an NYU thing by the way). She was on CSI: Miami and Sex and the City, and lists sleep (when she can get it) as a hobby.

She likes traveling to new countries, which will help her out with this whole diversity thing.

She’s another one who likes boxing. (I swear, if I was smart, I would move to LA tomorrow and open up a boxing studio or whatever it’s called where people box. Or at least I’d do that if I had the money for it.)

She also has a beta fish that she named Beta. Creative. I’m surprised she didn’t name her kid “Son.” Maybe she would’ve if he had born after LOST became popular. Hard to believe she’s the only one who lists the Bible in her favorite books. (That’s one good effect of having so many Californians- that place is far away from the Bible Belt).

I get the feeling she could do well with the whole assimilating into other tribes if she can make it to that point. As long as she isn’t grating with her whole Jesus schtick of course.

Former Survivor she most resembles: Vecepia and that Amazon black chick- Joanna? There was like a Jeanne, Jenna, Janet, Joanna, Shawna, and Deena on that tribe so it was slightly confusing.

Yul
Last but not least, we got our corporate America represent! Ignore everyone who says he doesn’t look like Jin from LOST. He IS Jin from LOST. He even has the same exact name as Jin! I can’t wait until he kills an animal, goes to wash the blood off of his hands, and Becky sees him and goes over and goes, “Why are your hands bloody?” and Yul goesm “It had to be done.” (Double bonus if their conversation is in Korean subtitles).

Like Sundra, he was born to immigrants in Queens. I was almost born in Queens so maybe I can lie when I apply and they’ll put me on the show. He is a technology and law genius. He also was a legal aide to Senator Lieberman including stuff with the Homeland Security Bill, so he basically fucked up a great man’s chances of being reelected. Way to go Kwon.

Hey look, another boxing fan. Don King must be licking his lips at the prospects. He wants to become an Ultimate Fighter too, so here’s to another Sumo at Sea challenge like the one during Palau where he ends up going up against Parvati.

Oh, look, he was born on Valentine’s Day too. He’s a 49ers fan, so he will definitely be compassionate to whichever tribe loses the most in the beginning. Johnny Depp and Keira Knightley are two of his favorite actor peoples yet he doesn’t list Pirates of the Caribbean as his favorite movie; what’s up with that?

Oh and if you haven’t noticed, he has a huge triangle imprinted on his face. It’s hilarious.

Like Ozzy, this guy gives me a longevity vibe. I can see him going out at #5. He’s also getting the Hidden Immunity Idol if he’s sent to Exile Island. He’s going to be the Asian tribe’s provider, and he’s going to be a mental and strategic genius. A lot of people will be disappointed when he gets voted out.

Former Survivor he most resembles: A non-dickheaded Andrew Savage combined with a non-creepy Matt von Ertfelda. Interesting combo.

Our final 10 will be (in no particular order): Adam, Candace, Penner, Ozzy, Billy, JP, Sundra, Becky, Jenny, Yul

Well that’s it, here’s hoping to a great season filled with a lot of drama. I’m going out on a limb here and saying that a lot of people will list this in their top 3 seasons. It’s going to be unpredictable as hell, and that’s what Survivor’s been missing. Let’s hope that they aren’t like past recruits and are there to play the game the way it’s supposed to be played. And that the douchebags get voted out early. Enjoy the season, everyone.

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